Monday, March 5, 2012

Does your RA define you?

My RA defines me. I live it everyday. I think about it everyday. It's there when I wake up, when I go to bed. It's there when I feel sorry for myself and it's my never ending excuse for any and all diet and exercise failures.
I don't know how to break this cycle. I try and try and never really get anywhere. I went from being so motivated 2 months ago to not giving a shit.

 I know I don't do good with stress.  To much in my life started spiraling and I just let it scoop me up.  After 13 years my husband was let go from his job. We work(ed) for the same company so I can't get into details but it shook us. We have never had to deal with one of us not having a job. In all reality we are doing fine but it's one of those things that shakes you up and tilts your world.

I lost my walking buddy pretty much at the same time.  I gave bad advice on my last post about this. Not bad in finding a friend but bad that I let this be my biggest motivation. Days I didn't feel like going I had no choice, there was a knock at the door.  I should have found my own motivation and counted on myself.
 My neighbor said she didn't want to walk anymore since she gets a better workout on the treadmill. I have RA I can't go fast and I did the best I could. I can't be mad because someone doesn't have a disease for life and can get fit a lot faster.  It sucks. My disease. My reality.   I would have continued to walk on my own but my husband said no way I could go out at night alone, can't blame him for being worried, we live in a safe neighborhood but you never really know what can happen.  Fatigue is still my enemy so waking up early is out of the question. I tried to walk on lunch but it was hard to get out there on my own when it's cold.  One day turned to two, then three and it's months later.  I did get a free treadmill ( thanks Krisi!) but by the time I got it I was off the boat and sinking fast.

I quit weight watchers to save the money.  Eating pretty bad again. I have tried twice to get going on at least eating good and I just don't have the motivation to run with it.  I just can't break the cycle. I took a 10 minute walk today and all the pain I went through 3 months and had to fight is back again. I know I have to walk through it and go slow.  Spring is coming, it'll be light out longer and I can walk at my own speed. Just need to start with some mini walks now so I can get back up to 2 miles a day.  Really is sad I can't even walk 10minutes now.  I am so angry at myself for going backwards.  How many times do you have to feel like you hit rock bottom and start over for it to stick?

I'm trying to remind myself as I type this things could be worse. I have the insurance so my $8,000 a month treatments haven't been affected. It's new year, flex spend started over and I don't have to worry about medical bills since I put double the money in as I did last year.

To recap: I am feeling a bit lost at the moment. RA is defining me. RA is my excuse to not care. I am trying hard to break the cycle and I don't know how.   My goal this week is to take mini walks of 10 minutes. It doesn't matter if it's only one a day or two but  have to move and I have to break the cycle.

PS *Any advice greatly appreciated*